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The pet sagas- Et finalement- A very fishy affair (i)

February 10, 2015 by Poornima Manco

The idea of getting fish had been bounced around for a while. Daddy had put a spanner in the works by tactlessly announcing that a fish can’t be taken for a walk. At this the the younger one had petulantly declared that she still wanted a cat, thank you very much! Much cajoling, and surfing the net for aquariums had finally convinced her otherwise.

With the best of intentions we set out to buy our first small aquarium.It was decided that this would house tropical fish. We set about educating ourselves on setting up aquariums, and introducing fish to their new home. It didn’t seem too challenging at first. The tank had to be installed with the ornaments, plants, a filter and a heater, and allowed to mature before any fish were put in there.I am as useful as a chocolate teapot when it comes to assembling things. Fortunately, a friend happened to be passing by even as I was racking my brain over the instruction leaflet. In return for a nice glass of wine, he agreed to help erect the structure.

For an entire month, the uninhabited tank sat like a feature in our living room. It was the prettiest thing, and at one point the husband remarked, “Maybe we should just leave it like this?”, setting off another flood of tears. I couldn’t be bothered to argue with that flawed logic, and instead said to daughter, “Shall we go buy the fish this weekend?”, with nary a clue as to what fish we were going to purchase. Hastily I messaged a friend in India who is rather an expert in fish. He suggested Rasboras. They were easy to manage and hardy little fish. Upon first sight I wasn’t particularly impressed by these nondescript fish that paled next to their prettier neon neighbours. But when the Fisheries man seconded my friend’s opinion, we agreed that perhaps this was the way forward.

We were the proud owners of three Rasboras that jiggled along in a plastic bag full of water, even as I drove the two miles home extremely cautiously. Introducing them to their new home was a task in itself. First, you had to ensure that the aquarium light was switched off. Then the bag had to be lowered into the water slowly, and left to float there for a bit, with the knot on top loosened. Little by little, you had to introduce the aquarium water into the bag. The entire process took about an hour. Finally, after an interminable wait, you could scoop the fish into the aquarium. Leave the light off another hour, and voila! There they were. The three little fish that were named Sky, Ocean and Lotus. As I couldn’t tell one apart from the other, I kept getting the names mixed up, much to my girls’ annoyance.

The three fish seemed to settle in well, although two seemed to be bonding a lot better. Why did we buy three, the elder asked? Surely an even number would have been better. I could see she had a point, but I had been looking at the deal (buy 3 for £10) rather than odds and evens. At any rate, the plan was to introduce another three in a few weeks time, and that would sort things out.

We left on holiday on the Sunday for three days. The fish were fed on the day we left, and we intended to feed them the evening we returned, which meant that the Monday and Tuesday they would not be fed. I had been assured by my fish expert friend that this was perfectly alright. Over feeding the fish was more of a crime than under feeding them.

On the Wednesday that we returned, I looked and looked in the tank, but I could only spot two fish! Had the other two gotten so hungry they had eaten the third? That never happens, chat forums claimed. Rasboras were simply not those kind of fish. Well then, the third fish was certainly missing in action and while the other two weren’t smacking their lips or waving their fins jubilantly, in my eyes they looked very suspicious indeed. The next morning I examined the tank from all angles, but Lotus had certainly disappeared for good. It wasn’t till many months later that his absence was explained, but more on that later.

My opinion on these cannibalistic Rasboras was forever altered, and regardless of all the cooing my little one indulged in, I refused to alter my stance. Let’s just say, I was not very fond of them.

The time came to buy some more fish, and we decided on some pretty guppies this time, after taking into account all compatibility issues. Now these were fish to relax by. I would sit with my morning cuppa and watch them swim around the tank. In and out of the little square cave, around the plants, near to the glass, and then back again. There was a sort of hypnotic, melt your worries away charm to them.

That is, till one of them started swimming low, then not much at all, till it took to hanging behind the filter. I couldn’t understand why. I tried enticing it out by throwing a fish flake close to it. But in its semi vegetative state, it let it float away to its compatriots that gobbled it up quickly. The next morning it was dead.

Like dominoes they fell. Like flies they dropped. Each one that died broke my heart. I lost sleepless nights wondering what I was doing wrong. The girls were inconsolable to begin with, then stoic, and finally blasé. The first ones were flushed down the toilet with a respectful, tearful adieu. Later, it was more of a hasty bye.

Thunder, Lightening, Bubble, Squeak, Magma, Meringue, all went down the sewers of Berkshire in the most ignominious of fashions.

I had had enough. Armed with a Chemistry kit to detect Ammonia,Nitrite, Nitrate and Ph levels, I began my investigation. With strips that reminded me of failed school time experiments, it was finally determined that the toxicity levels in the tank were too high. It was no wonder that the fish were perishing.

To be continued…..

Filed Under: Blog, Uncategorized

A piece of me

January 29, 2015 by Poornima Manco

Is all writing autobiographical? If it is, then by all accounts, I must lead a very exciting life. For I have written about a pedophile, a murderer, a man with Alzheimer’s, a cheating wife, a cheating husband, a random peccadillo, a hijacker, a space and time traveller and numerous other things that I couldn’t possibly have experienced in one lifetime.

As a writer, of course you put bits of yourself and your impressions and experiences into what you write. But above all else, it is the ability to imagine, and to create an alternate reality, a world of what-if’s and what-could-have-been’s that delineates the real from the imagined.

So, if you see what you think is a slice of my life on paper, or, in this instance, on screen, rest assured it is a very jazzed up version. Like a cheesecake, I am merely the digestive crumble at the bottom. The rest of the cake is layers and layers of fiction dolloped with the cream of fantasy.

Filed Under: Blog, Uncategorized Tagged With: autobiography, fantasy, Fiction, Writer

The pet sagas- Part deux- The tail that wagged the dog

January 22, 2015 by Poornima Manco

So, after Flexxy the hamster’s sad demise and interment, there was a bit of a lull. Then the second born took up the song of a pet. She was fixated on a cat. Her aunt had one. The neighbours had one, and so did some of her friends. As far as she could tell, cats were pretty, and pretty self sufficient too. I had nothing against cats, but husband vetoed the entire scheme before it had even lifted off. Aside of not being a pet person, he particularly didn’t care for felines, and brought up the very logical argument that leather sofas and claws didn’t mix too well.

She tried another tack. How about if she made sure….so very sure….that the cat never clambered on the sofas. He merely raised his eyebrows, and offered to buy her another hamster instead. There were tears, there were tantrums, there were accusations of favouring the eldest. How about a dog? The eldest offered helpfully, adding more woe to the mix. Mummy could help, as mummy had kept dogs through out her childhood. Well, that was true. But seeing as I had, I also knew of the care that went into looking after a canine. The potty training, the teething,the destruction that went along with the teething, the daily walks, the heartbreak of losing a dog to cancer or Parvo or some unpronounceable dog disease. Mummy was definitely not in favour of getting a dog.

At this point a friend stepped in, and offered up a brilliant solution.

His friends were going away for the weekend, and were looking for a dog sitter. If the girls were that keen on getting a dog, why didn’t they try this one out for size? It would be like a little taster session, and the dog could be their responsibility entirely for those two nights.

Come D day, they were bursting with excitement. Lily, the dog, a small Welsh terrier, arrived with her accoutrements which consisted of her dog bowl, dog food and her leash. When we enquired about her bed, her owners airily informed us that she slept with them.Of course.I smiled and nodded, all while I could hear the cogs whirring in the other half’s upper storey, and quickly despatched them, wishing them a pleasant weekend ahead.

“There is NO way that dog is sleeping in our bed!!”, roared the hubster on their departure.

I pacified him by suggesting we could pull out the sofa bed downstairs and the girls could sleep there with the dog. (I struggle with the word bitch, so bear with the gender anomaly). All seemed well.

Lily was a jumpy little number. Within the hour she’d managed to exhaust both the girls with her endless supply of energy, her inexhaustible appetite for ‘fetch’, her obvious curiosity of her surroundings, and her frequent forays into the garden to relieve herself. This was getting interesting.

The next morning, I awoke at 4am to get ready for work. I tiptoed downstairs, in order not to wake the occupants of the front room. Lo and behold! Three pairs of eyes stared at me as one tail welcomed my arrival.

“We haven’t slept a wink mummy”, groaned the younger.

“Why is that?”

“Well, she keeps going round and round in circles. Then she settles down for ten minutes. Then she wakes up at some noise, and does it all over again!”

“And she’s SO smelly”, chimed in the older. “She keeps farting!”

Inwardly amused, I empathised vocally, and let Lily out into the back garden to do her business, while reminding them that they would have to clear her mess tomorrow, as daddy was not picking up any faeces for anyone.

Knowing quite clearly which way this was going, I left for the weekend, leaving one antipathetic man and two exhausted children to deal with a bright eyed pooch.

They fed her, they walked her, they kept her company outside Waitrose, in the cold, while daddy shopped. They tried to hold her down in the car, when she excitedly tried climbing into the driver’s seat, sending the car swerving. They picked up her poop at regular intervals. They played ball till they were on their haunches with fatigue. They put up with her flatulent ways, and they barely slept. Come Sunday, they returned her to the owners with an overwhelming sense of relief.

I returned to an unusually silent house, a bottle of wine (three quarters consumed) that the owners had brought as a thank you, and two shell shocked children. Needless to say, it went very very quiet for a while.

Next up…..

Filed Under: Blog, Uncategorized

The pet sagas- Part un- The rodent chronicles

January 16, 2015 by Poornima Manco

As most parents would attest, there comes a time when “Can we please get a dog/cat/parrot/budgie/any kind of living,breathing animal?”, becomes such a torturous refrain that one nearly always succumbs. (Unless, of course, you have nerves of steel, a platinum spine and a heart made out of lead). Our turn came about six years ago. We had tried all the logical arguments, but failed in the face of “But we’ll do the cleaning/feeding/taking for walks etc…..Please! Please!!” Our only compromise was that we would settle on a hamster. Since a few close friends had started with hamsters too, we figured we could glean as much information as we required off them, and wing it thereon. Hamsters were meant to be great starter pets.

Hmmmm.

Our first hamster, monikered Chuckle, a small dwarf hamster, leapt out of my hands, barely two days in. He ran and hid under the dishwasher, never to be domesticated again. Oh, we mounted a campaign to recapture him alright. We barricaded the area, laid out food and water, even sat up half the night for the nocturnal, nimble footed Houdini to reappear. All to no avail. Chuckle made his great escape, chuckling all the way to freedom.

The kids were inconsolable. As the guilty party, I compensated by buying them a Syrian hamster next. This was a rodent of more generous proportions, and we handled him with a lot of care, taking many many precautionary measures. Flexxy turned out to be a sweet soul, regardless of the racket he created at night,or the few chomp downs he inflicted on unsuspecting fingers. True to her word, first born took good care of him. Between them, the girls would share the duties of entertaining Flexxy, by allowing him to run around in the downstairs loo (door closed!) while the other hosed out the cage, replaced the sawdust, and replenished the food and water.Kind hearted neighbours were enlisted in the feeding and caring, while we vacationed.

For all intents and purposes, we were pet owners, with relatively content children. Until, that is, Flexxy started to look decidedly mangy. At eighteen months, his little life was nearing a close. We took him to the vet. He was diagnosed as having a rash, and a cream and oral medication were dispensed. Daughter number one turned Florence Nightingale with a vengeance. Never was a pet cared for as tenderly. Consequently, she managed to prolong his life by six months. No mean feat.

Underneath all that was also the realisation that Flexxy, despite all ministrations, would not last forever. So, in her crafts class, she made him a little wooden coffin. Inside she painted the four of us, so he would never feel alone. On the roof she painted the night sky, so he could look up at the stars, as he lay in eternal rest. On top she wrote, ‘RIP Flexxy’. We buried him in his personalised coffin, in the front garden. Many a tear was shed. Many a speech was read.

And so came an end to the rodent rigmarole. It was time to graduate to a different category. Previous hamster owners were moving on to dogs and cats, with a few guinea pigs thrown in. After a suitable mourning period, the song started up again. This time, the second born was the lead vocalist. As she saw it, her sister had had her jab at pet choosing and keeping. It was her turn now.

To be continued……

Filed Under: Blog, Uncategorized Tagged With: children, hamsters, pets, rodents

Je suis…..

January 8, 2015 by Poornima Manco

Je pense donc je suis (I think therefore I am)- the philosophical statement by René Descartes which has been a fundamental part of Western philosophy, was never more evident than yesterday, with mass vigils held all over in France. People held up placards in support of the slain Charlie Hebdo editor and cartoonists, placards that said ‘Je suis Charlie’ (I am Charlie). As indeed we all are. For if we are not allowed our opinions, our own peculiar devices of reasoning, our ability to rationalise, to satirise, to argue, to lampoon, then how far removed are we from amoebae?

The brutal attack brought into focus the freedom that the Press enjoys. Should this freedom be curtailed? Should fundamentalists be allowed to take away the power of reportage? As cartoonists the Charlie Hebdo journalists had a long convention of dissing authority. In fact, to quote BBC news “Charlie Hebdo is part of a venerable tradition in French journalism going back to the scandal sheets that denounced Marie-Antoinette in the run-up to the French Revolution.” So, all these people were doing was their job. Something that these homegrown fanatics did not find palatable.

Listening to the various debates on the radio and Television, I was struck by the immense courage and resolve shown by the French. This was not just an attack on the Press, it was an attack on their national character. A character that has the tripartite motto- Liberté, Égalité, Fraternité. It made them resolute to never give up on these. They were, in effect, cocking a snook at these terrorists, showing them that they stood in support of their fallen brothers, and the principles they died defending.

But what of the rest of the world?

Will there still be cartoonists brave enough to take on the ire of the radicals? Will there still be journalists willing to be unbiased about Islam? Will this (and all other similar attacks) unleash a different kind of monster, vilifying all Muslims, or will better sense prevail, and people see this for what it is? An ugly, horrific off shoot that has no basis in reality or religion?

That remains to be seen. In the meantime, for each of these murdered journalists, may another hundred stand up and take their place. To send the vermin scurrying back to their holes, reaching for cover, scared of exposure, of public ridicule, of the destruction of their jihad against innocents. For, after all, the pen is mightier than the sword.

Filed Under: Blog, Uncategorized Tagged With: france, freedom, liberty, paris, press

🎶 It’s the most wonderful time of the year 🎶

December 22, 2014 by Poornima Manco

It’s the most wonderful time of the year
With the kids all-a-yelling
And everyone telling you “Buy another beer”
It’s the most wonderful time of the year

It’s the snap-snappiest season of all
With those holiday greetings and fraught, last minute meetings
that make your skin crawl,
It’s the snap-snappiest season of all

There’ll be parties for hosting
Where friends will be boasting
of their latest gear
There’ll be scary split stories
and a taste of past glories
Of Ex-es long long ago

It’s the most wonderful time of the year
There’ll be much mistletoeing
And smooching and pawing
With colleagues that you mostly ignore
It’s the most wonderful time of the year

With the shops all a-heaving
And pushing and shoving
As old ladies that steer
Those shopping trollies into your rear

It’s the most wonderful time of the year
Credit cards are a-jumping
As wallets are bumping
To buy more good cheer
It’s the most wonderful time of the year

Yes, it’s the most wonderful time of the yearrrrr………

🎶🎶🎶

Filed Under: Blog, Uncategorized Tagged With: Christmas, satire, song

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