Poornima Manco

Author

abuse

A Curious Incident in the Post Office

by

It was a Saturday morning, and I was feeling quite Zen. I’d just come back from doing a Body Balance class at the gym. The sun was shining and life felt good. There was an Amazon package I needed to return, so off I trotted to our local Post Office/ Newsagent, hoping to tick off at least one chore on a long to-do list for the day.

At the Post Office, I stood behind an older man in the queue as he communicated with the Bangladeshi gentleman serving him. I detected an American accent and wondered to myself whether he lived locally while mentally working out what else needed doing after this errand. Meanwhile, I spotted that there was in fact another customer, a pink-haired lady standing to one side waiting her turn after the American man.

So far, so very normal.

Then, the Bangladeshi shop assistant spotted the package in my hand and said, “Madam, the post has already gone for the day. The next one is on Monday…”

I replied, “That’s okay. I don’t mind when it goes out. I just need to drop it off…”

Before I could say any more, the American man turned around and snarled at me, ” I was here FIRST! DO NOT PUSH AHEAD OF ME!!!”

Startled, I responded, “Hey! It was the assistant who spoke to me first…”

He turned around again and shouted, “BACK OFF AND SHUT UP!”

His entire body was radiating rage. If he could have reached forward and hit me, he would have. There was spittle foaming at the corners of his mouth and he narrowed his eyes at me, as if just waiting for one more word so that he could smack me. When I refused to engage, he turned his back on me.

At this point, I noticed that he was shaking while counting the money he had withdrawn. I stepped farther away, sensing all was not right with this man. The woman who had been witness to all of this spoke up, saying, “There is no need to be this rude. She was not interrupting your transaction. The postmaster addressed her first.”

At this, he growled at her, “SHUT UP! DON’T TALK TO ME!”

We exchanged glances, and she mouthed, “Americans!”

Now, before I proceed further with this story, I must add that I have plenty of American friends, acquaintances and colleagues who are the loveliest people. Kind, thoughtful, giving, polite and pleasant. He was NOT one of them.

I mouthed back, “Yeah, an ugly one.”

At this, he snapped, “It’s not because I’m American, okay? You were rude!”

We both retaliated with, “No, YOU were rude! We were just waiting patiently in the queue.”

He went back to counting the money, switching from being horrible to us to being polite to the postmaster. At one point, even the postmaster looked at me and gave a tiny shrug, as if to say, “I don’t know what’s wrong with this guy?”

A few minutes elapsed while the lady and I chatted about the sad state of all the banks closing down in the area. I was still shaken from the encounter, but didn’t want him to sense that he’d frightened me in any way. He was a bully, and I refused to give him the satisfaction.

Then, suddenly and unexpectedly, he turned around and said, “I’m sorry.”

The lady looked at him and said, “I get it. It is stressful that all the banks in the area have shut down, and that you need to come to the Post Office now to withdraw money. Even so, there was no need for that sort of behaviour.”

He was still shaking and looking at her when she responded softly, “Alright, I forgive you.”

Then he turned and gave me a supercilious look, waiting for me to say the same. I looked him straight in the eye and said, “No, I don’t forgive you. Your behaviour and your language were uncalled for. That was an unprovoked attack, and no, I won’t forgive you.”

“Fine,” he muttered, “don’t forgive me then.”

When he’d finished counting his money, he peeled off £20 and handed it to the lady, saying, “Here, buy yourself something with this.”

She pocketed it happily, saying, “Thanks, I will.”

He then held out another £20 to me.

I took another step back.

“No, thank you. I don’t want your money! Back off from me right now!” I didn’t raise my voice, but I was very firm as I said this, resolute that this man’s unwarranted behaviour would remain unforgiven, at least by me.

He shrugged, threw me a dirty look, and walked out the door.

After this entire incident, the Bangladeshi shop assistant felt sorry enough for me to take my package for a Monday pickup.

 

My questions are:

Was I wrong not to forgive him in the first place?

Was he trying to buy my forgiveness?

Can money really be the answer to bad behaviour?

 

Upon reflection, I have forgiven him. Clearly, he wasn’t a well man. The problem could be psychological or physical, maybe he has a very stressful life. I’ll never know. But I am proud of myself in that I refused to be bought. My integrity and self-respect were not for sale. Perhaps my refusal of his money will make him reflect, too. Maybe he’ll learn a little something from this incident as well.

People are not commodities. Treat everyone with the respect that you wish to be accorded. A heartfelt apology is worth far more than all £20 notes you might throw around.

What do you think?

 

The ubiquity of abuse

by

I was having coffee with a bunch of ladies I didn’t really know. A common hobby had brought us together and as we met (some, for the first time) and chatted and ordered coffee and cake, the conversation veered off course as it inevitably does when you put women together. This wasn’t a business luncheon, it was very much a ‘getting to know you’ do. Our common hobby had brought us together, but we wanted to know if there was something else, beyond that, which could connect us.

As we talked backgrounds, languages, cultures, careers, husbands and children, we delved into each other’s lives, hesitantly at first, and then boldly, asking forthright questions and receiving some compelling and often hilarious answers. A sisterhood was emerging right there in that little coffee shop.

Interestingly, because we were, in effect, strangers to one another, there was a frankness and a candour to our conversation. There was no previous baggage nor was there any judgement. Each one was free to divulge as much or as little as they wished. Which is perhaps why some shocking truths emerged.

I have thought long and hard about writing this blog post. Am I betraying these ladies’ confidences if I do? Is this a kind of treachery to the very sisterhood I espouse? Am I worthy of being a confidante if I am unable to zip my lip?

However, upon reflection, I decided that yes, I would indeed write about it. No names or details of the women in question will be revealed here. That is not the purpose of this post. The purpose is to highlight the vulnerability of young children and how, it is so important for us as adults – parents and carers, to be vigilant about any possible signs and symptoms of abuse.

70% of the ladies at that table had been subject to some kind of sexual abuse as children. This ranged from an elderly relative using his trustworthy position in the family to inappropriately touch a child, to older children molesting a young girl in their midst, to a cousin leveraging his way into his sister’s affections to try and rape her.

Where were the adults when all this happened? Oblivious, too trusting or incapable of translating the traumatised child’s words and actions as a symptom of their ordeal.

Following on the heels of the #MeToo movement, the awareness of society’s ability to use and discard vulnerable adults has emerged strongly into the forefront. Yet, child abuse is so much more rampant and ubiquitous than anyone of us could have imagined.

All of these women were educated, erudite professionals who had carved out amazing careers and on the outside looked as put together as anyone else. Yet, fragments of their abusive past still lingered, making them feel ‘less than’ and handicapped in ways that even they could not articulate. If our pasts are the foundations to our future, it must have been doubly hard to build their future on the quicksands of trauma, betrayal and abuse.

I have spoken freely about the kind of sexual harassment I encountered growing up in India. Thankfully, because my mother was a very forward thinking individual, she was particularly circumspect about the adults who had access to me as a child. I had been told time and again to tell her if anything inappropriate was said or done to me. I was amongst the lucky few.

How many others had to stay ‘schtum’ because of the joint families they were growing up in wouldn’t tolerate any rent in its fabric, even if the casualty was a child’s innocence? How many parents believed that shrouding the truth or simply disbelieving the child were the only ways forward? How many ‘uncles’ or manservants got away scot-free because the ‘good name’ of the family was far more important than offering the victim love, support, understanding and challenging the perpetrator’s dirty deeds?

Too many.

Which is why it is so important that we talk about childhood sexual abuse. Children have nothing to be ashamed of. They are completely innocent of any wrong doing. It is the sick and depraved adults who choose and groom their victims alongside their families, that need to be brought to task.

I hope there comes a day when that coffee table conversation will not be limited to the tales of abuse suffered by young children, but will go on to elaborate the punishment society accorded to the abuser, and the counselling that was offered to the child to overcome that early trauma. As things stand right now, most children have to find their own coping mechanisms and unlike my ladies, can and do, spiral into self destructive behaviours.

I am not naive enough to believe that we will eradicate child sexual abuse completely. Wherever there is a power imbalance, abuse will exist and thrive. Sadly, there will also always be individuals with a sexual predilection for children. A multi-pronged approach that includes awareness, education, therapy, counselling, stricter laws and most importantly, a gradual erosion of patriarchy, may bring about the much needed change that will protect our children and ensure a safer future for them.

 

 

He said. She said.

by

Let’s face it – breakups are ugly. The emotions involved are ugly: Anger, resentment, frustration, acrimony. The fallout nearly always is ugly.

Now play this out on a world platform, and how much more magnified does everything get? Case in point- Johnny Depp and Amber Heard. When a 52 year old ageing superstar decides to wed an up and coming starlet, the longevity of the union is the least debated point. After all, with a two decade age difference between them, this is hardly a meeting of minds. Yet, there is always a tacit understanding that while she will bring excitement and a renewal of libido to the table, he will bring his vast fortune and Hollywood connections to it too. Prenup agreements notwithstanding, when things go bust, all these emotions are discreetly tucked away at the behest of their PR agents, and ‘conscious uncoupling’ with a byline of still being ‘good friends’ are the oft repeated mantras.

What has made Amber Heard wander so far from the script? Is she really the gold digging, foul mouthed, riding-on-the-coat tails diva she is being portrayed as? Or, is there something more sinister at play here? From the demands for spousal support (since withdrawn) to the temporary restraining order against Johnny Depp (since extended), her accusations of domestic violence have been viewed with cynicism. No amount of photographic evidence of her battered face or her friends vouching for the veracity of her claims seem to have swayed public opinion in her favour. On the flip side, Depps’ ex partner, his daughter and his friends have time and again reiterated what a good guy he is, consciously reinforcing the message that he is incapable of the sort of behavioural abuse charges that are being levelled at him.

Where in all these murky waters does the truth lie? That, with any luck, will emerge in the court battle which will no doubt find an airing in every rag mag there is.

More pertinently, let’s examine our own reaction to this case. Amber Heard is young, beautiful and famous. She had one of the most famous movie actors in the world, wrapped around her little finger. Jealous yet? Moreover, she managed to snatch him from right under the nose of the stunning French actress, Vanessa Paradis, his partner of several years. How dare then, she turn around and accuse him of domestic violence? Didn’t she make her own bed? Shouldn’t she (quietly) lie in it now? What is this, if not a blatant attempt to extort as much money as she can, to bankroll her own lavish, party lifestyle? What a lying, two faced, bisexual cow!

Hmmmm.

Now, let’s transpose this to a more everyday setting. That lovely young couple that lives down the road. That handsome husband who always says hello, and helps take your groceries out of the car. One day you hear that his wife has called the police in. He hit her. He’s been verbally and physically abusing her for years. Do you believe it? Or, is your first instinct, your knee jerk reaction, one of disbelief and incredulity?

Domestic violence is an everyday reality. It happens to women all over the world. From the richest to the poorest. From the most famous to the most inconspicuous. Why then, do we as a society, prefer to discredit the claims of the victims, driving them further into the shadows? It takes an enormous amount of courage to come forward, and to declare that you have been abused. That your self esteem has been eroded, your sense of what is right and what is wrong, completely skewed and that you have stayed in the relationship for years, for the sake of your children or society or whatever other pressures you felt were stronger than your own well being. It takes courage, and we must acknowledge and support that.

Whatever Amber Heard may or may not be, we must take her claims seriously, unless proven otherwise. She has a long road ahead of her, and aside of the notoriety this case has brought her, she is likely to gain little. Money aside, she will possibly become persona non grata in Hollywood. Johnny, on the other hand, will continue to get multimillion dollar vehicles to showcase his star power. So, regardless of the outcome of the case, Amber Heard stands to lose more than she stands to gain.

Sadly it seems, in the court of public opinion, she has lost already.